“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.” Lee Iacocca

Family has never really extended past my parents and my half brother for me and to be completely honest we weren't that close knit at all. Right now I'm struggling to get along with my mother because as much as I don't want to admit it, I think we're a lot alike. My aunt has been sending me e-mails telling me what my mom was like when she was younger and it's given me a lot of insight.

It seems as if she gave up on herself and her life more than once. She gave up on her dreams when she got pregnant with my brother because she thought that her husband was going to be able to be her everything. I don't know anything about that relationship and I've never even met my brother's dad, I don't believe, but it has to be hard for her. Then they divorced and she met my dad. One of the greatest men in the entire world and one of the best role models that a girl could ask for.

Ok writing this while I'm menstruating is not going to work because I can't stop crying. I really want to get these emotions out and try to better understand them but since emotions aren't logical I just can't seem to deal with them.

But why I started to write this post is because I wrote to my cousin, Rachel. It's weird but I've heard her name mentioned once before in a hushed voice when my mom told me that I couldn't tell anyone that I knew that my Uncle Ernie had a child that no one else in the family knew about. Well, now that child is all grown up and she's on Facebook. I wrote to her and know I just have to wait to see what happens.

This whole "family" thing is really new to me. It's weird but I want it SO bad. I also feel really weak admitting that too. I don't know why but I do. I wish we could've had a closer knit family my whole life but I'm hoping that I can make up for lost time. I hope I have the courage to push through all of these emotions that I don't understand.

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison

Free Write.....

Bloated. That's how I feel as of this very moment. Stressed. I hate stress. I affects me way to much. I hate hearing people yell at each other. It sounds so hippie but seriously why can't everybody just get along? I just wish that every one could try, even for just one day, to be nicer to each other. Respect each other. Treat each other like human beings. Ones that deserve to be on the planet. Ugh. I guess I'm fed up. I don't really know of what but I'm fed up.

I just want to get passed being 25 and having no purpose. I want to have a career again. I want to feel like a contributing member of society. I know that I have to get through these classes in order to get my degree but I just want them to be over. I want Tim and I to start our real lives. I want to see who we become.

We deserve so much. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to have what we want from life. We deserve it because we've both worked our butt's off and it's yet to pay off. I just want to get passed this feeling. I also need to work on being more comfortable with being Dana. I obviously can't change who I am. I've been this way for far too long to try and change now. I need to accept it.

I'm Dana Curtis. I'm socially ackward. I hate being hugged by everyone except Tim. Even the thought that hug may happen soon makes me nervous and I want to curl up in a little ball and cry. I'm oftentimes rude. It's as if I have no filter. I don't understand emotions. They're not logical so I can't understand them. Babies aren't automatically adorable to me. I really do wish that there could be peace on Earth and that the rich should share their wealth. That's right, I think a form of communism/socialism sounds great. I think I would even enjoy working and living on a farm/commune where you produce your own food and everyone is part of the common good. I love food. Everything except deviled eggs and tuna. I don't want kids because I would be a horrible mother. I value intelligence so much that it makes me judge mental. I need to work on that. Ok that's enough. :)

That was fun.

“The human body is the best picture of the human soul.” Ludwig Wittgenstein

Ok I'll say it, I'm not totally comfortable with my body. I went from 185-195 and now I'm 130-140. It's a huge difference. I went from a size 15 to a size 5. It's nuts. My mother-in-law looked at me yesterday and said, "man you're so skinny." I know she means it in a loving way but I don't want to be thought of as "skinny."

Curvy and healthy looking yes, but not skinny. When I go into stores I still reach for the XL when I fit in s-m's. It's so frustrating. I shouldn't be complaining about being thinner because overall I feel a lot better about myself but I don't know this Dana.

This Dana needs...something. I don't know what it is yet. Hopefully I find it.

It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. ~From the television show The Golden Girls

So I guess I'm at the age when people are going to start asking more often about when I'm going to have kids. I don't want any kids. It's not that I don't like kids but I'm not meant to be a mom. I don't think I have it in me. I have no maternal instincts and generally I think I lack the emotion needed to be a mom.

It takes so much to be a mom, at least a good one. I don't want to be totally responsible for how another human being turns out. That's too much. I'm so lucky that Tim agrees with me. I just hope his mind doesn't change because I really don't think mine is ever going to.

Some people just aren't up to the task. Those who can't do, teach. That's who I am. I'm a teacher. I love teaching. I'm not specifically great at anything. Never have been. Always the bridesmaid, 2nd runner up, or just someone that's easy to overlook because they're mediocre at a lot of things. It's not to say that I'm not happy with it.

I'm happy with who I am. I satisfied with my mind, my body, my everything. And that feels good.

Face what you think you believe and you will be surprised. ~William Hale White

So I'm 25. It's official. It's almost been a week and I do feel different but that's probably due to the purple hair. I've been wanting to dye my hair purple for years and I decided that I should just go for it. I go to school and have no need to have normal colored hair. It's washing out every time that I shower but it's still fun.

Not so fun is the back and forth e-mailing snarkiness between my mother and I. But I'm done. Done caring because it hurts too much to care.

My mother-in-law got another tattoo, this one is on her back. It got me to thinking about if I was to get a tattoo what I would get. And nothing is the answer. There is nothing at this moment that I want on my body forever.

So, 25 has already had it's ups and down but I'm looking forward to it.

A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle

No courage yet but it's actually sprinkled with a bit of laziness. We woke up today and Tim got right on the phone with VA and they said that they had in fact received his application for benefits but the sad news is that he's at the back of the line now. That means 12 weeks of waiting to finally get paid for the last semester. I am so grateful that Tim is such a great money saver because I don't know what we would be living of off.

Then I called and made an appointment for new glasses!!! I'm so excited. The appointment is tomorrow an I can't wait. Tim also made an appointment which is good because they're having a really good special on glasses where we're getting 2 pairs for only $100. That's what I wanted for my birthday, new glasses, and now I get two pairs it's awesome.

Writing the word awesome reminds me of this weekend when my sister Hannah said that the word "awesome" sounds lame coming from anyone but me. :) Now that's awesome.

This week we also have to go to the college and get the ISBN's for our new books for the semester. Last's semester's book were quite interesting and way better than the first semester so hopefully it'll continue in that fashion and our new books will be the best yet.

Semi-busy week coming up I guess. Hopefully laziness will not prevail tomorrow and I will take pictures of my hair bows.

I almost forgot about this weekend's other great memory! My mom got a new tattoo.

She loves it and I think it's awesome. LOL.

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson

There is so much we have to do tomorrow. Most of it involves little to no actual leg work but it's still going to be time consuming. I've been really in the mood to sew lately and I've made a couple purses that I think are adorable but I'm having really big confidence issues.

Not really with me but more with the crafts I make. I am so down on myself because it seems like none of my stuff on Etsy sells. It just expi

res and then I feel so let down. I love ALL of hte stuff I make. I put a lot of time and effort into making things and for no one to buy them is disappointing. It's even more disappointing to have over 200 views on some items and still no sales.

Last night I was making some new hair bows at Tim's parent's house and Makayla (5) and Mackenzie (4) wanted to "help". I decided that since the ribbon was free, the thread was free, and with me watching it's not like they were going to hurt themselves, I would let them help. They had a blast. I let them cut the ribbon at the right lengths and even let them sew the thing themselves. They were so proud.

Then my sister's friend comes in and is looking at some of the one's that I have finished. She loved them. I gave her the one she really took an interest in because let's face it, I'm not going to sell it. And then she tells me that she buys off Etsy! Come on! I really want to sell my hair bows on Etsy but I'm just so scared of getting let down again. Maybe I'll work up enough courage to put a few up when we get back to the house but I don't want to make any promises to myself. Here's to hoping I find the courage.