“A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others.”

No answer from the extended family yet but you never know....

I actually have to build a family tree and genogram for one of my finals. It's a family communication class which has honestly been just like all other online classes, crap. I hate online classes. They are not conducive to learning. I want to learn and discuss and be able to know why you never give me full credit for any assignment. I answer all of your questions and add the vocab words from the text. What more do you want lady?

And I'm frustrated with this class also because the teacher frequently phrases questions as if everyone in the class has children or plans to have them. Times are changing and lots of younger couples are deciding to be childless. I know that most of the reasons are financial and I think this is a good thing. We won't have another generation of children who's parent's didn't save for their college and are now lost as to what to do with their life. I honestly thought growing up that my parents would be able to send me to a four year college.

It wasn't until a few days before I left for boot camp that my dad tried to convince me to stay by saying that he would do anything he had to in order to come up with the money for college so I didn't join the Army. He knew I wasn't cut out for the Army; I'm far too logical. But it was too late.

And it's not as if I regret my decision to join the Army either because I feel like a more well rounded individual for going through what I did. I know more what I'm capable of both physically and mentally because I was pushed so far. It was a tough experience but hey at least I have the money for college now.

I'm going to be a teacher. It's what I want more than anything. I want to enrich people's lives and make a difference. I know I can do it!

“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.” Lee Iacocca

Family has never really extended past my parents and my half brother for me and to be completely honest we weren't that close knit at all. Right now I'm struggling to get along with my mother because as much as I don't want to admit it, I think we're a lot alike. My aunt has been sending me e-mails telling me what my mom was like when she was younger and it's given me a lot of insight.

It seems as if she gave up on herself and her life more than once. She gave up on her dreams when she got pregnant with my brother because she thought that her husband was going to be able to be her everything. I don't know anything about that relationship and I've never even met my brother's dad, I don't believe, but it has to be hard for her. Then they divorced and she met my dad. One of the greatest men in the entire world and one of the best role models that a girl could ask for.

Ok writing this while I'm menstruating is not going to work because I can't stop crying. I really want to get these emotions out and try to better understand them but since emotions aren't logical I just can't seem to deal with them.

But why I started to write this post is because I wrote to my cousin, Rachel. It's weird but I've heard her name mentioned once before in a hushed voice when my mom told me that I couldn't tell anyone that I knew that my Uncle Ernie had a child that no one else in the family knew about. Well, now that child is all grown up and she's on Facebook. I wrote to her and know I just have to wait to see what happens.

This whole "family" thing is really new to me. It's weird but I want it SO bad. I also feel really weak admitting that too. I don't know why but I do. I wish we could've had a closer knit family my whole life but I'm hoping that I can make up for lost time. I hope I have the courage to push through all of these emotions that I don't understand.

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison

Free Write.....

Bloated. That's how I feel as of this very moment. Stressed. I hate stress. I affects me way to much. I hate hearing people yell at each other. It sounds so hippie but seriously why can't everybody just get along? I just wish that every one could try, even for just one day, to be nicer to each other. Respect each other. Treat each other like human beings. Ones that deserve to be on the planet. Ugh. I guess I'm fed up. I don't really know of what but I'm fed up.

I just want to get passed being 25 and having no purpose. I want to have a career again. I want to feel like a contributing member of society. I know that I have to get through these classes in order to get my degree but I just want them to be over. I want Tim and I to start our real lives. I want to see who we become.

We deserve so much. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to have what we want from life. We deserve it because we've both worked our butt's off and it's yet to pay off. I just want to get passed this feeling. I also need to work on being more comfortable with being Dana. I obviously can't change who I am. I've been this way for far too long to try and change now. I need to accept it.

I'm Dana Curtis. I'm socially ackward. I hate being hugged by everyone except Tim. Even the thought that hug may happen soon makes me nervous and I want to curl up in a little ball and cry. I'm oftentimes rude. It's as if I have no filter. I don't understand emotions. They're not logical so I can't understand them. Babies aren't automatically adorable to me. I really do wish that there could be peace on Earth and that the rich should share their wealth. That's right, I think a form of communism/socialism sounds great. I think I would even enjoy working and living on a farm/commune where you produce your own food and everyone is part of the common good. I love food. Everything except deviled eggs and tuna. I don't want kids because I would be a horrible mother. I value intelligence so much that it makes me judge mental. I need to work on that. Ok that's enough. :)

That was fun.

“The human body is the best picture of the human soul.” Ludwig Wittgenstein

Ok I'll say it, I'm not totally comfortable with my body. I went from 185-195 and now I'm 130-140. It's a huge difference. I went from a size 15 to a size 5. It's nuts. My mother-in-law looked at me yesterday and said, "man you're so skinny." I know she means it in a loving way but I don't want to be thought of as "skinny."

Curvy and healthy looking yes, but not skinny. When I go into stores I still reach for the XL when I fit in s-m's. It's so frustrating. I shouldn't be complaining about being thinner because overall I feel a lot better about myself but I don't know this Dana.

This Dana needs...something. I don't know what it is yet. Hopefully I find it.

It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. ~From the television show The Golden Girls

So I guess I'm at the age when people are going to start asking more often about when I'm going to have kids. I don't want any kids. It's not that I don't like kids but I'm not meant to be a mom. I don't think I have it in me. I have no maternal instincts and generally I think I lack the emotion needed to be a mom.

It takes so much to be a mom, at least a good one. I don't want to be totally responsible for how another human being turns out. That's too much. I'm so lucky that Tim agrees with me. I just hope his mind doesn't change because I really don't think mine is ever going to.

Some people just aren't up to the task. Those who can't do, teach. That's who I am. I'm a teacher. I love teaching. I'm not specifically great at anything. Never have been. Always the bridesmaid, 2nd runner up, or just someone that's easy to overlook because they're mediocre at a lot of things. It's not to say that I'm not happy with it.

I'm happy with who I am. I satisfied with my mind, my body, my everything. And that feels good.

Face what you think you believe and you will be surprised. ~William Hale White

So I'm 25. It's official. It's almost been a week and I do feel different but that's probably due to the purple hair. I've been wanting to dye my hair purple for years and I decided that I should just go for it. I go to school and have no need to have normal colored hair. It's washing out every time that I shower but it's still fun.

Not so fun is the back and forth e-mailing snarkiness between my mother and I. But I'm done. Done caring because it hurts too much to care.

My mother-in-law got another tattoo, this one is on her back. It got me to thinking about if I was to get a tattoo what I would get. And nothing is the answer. There is nothing at this moment that I want on my body forever.

So, 25 has already had it's ups and down but I'm looking forward to it.

A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle

No courage yet but it's actually sprinkled with a bit of laziness. We woke up today and Tim got right on the phone with VA and they said that they had in fact received his application for benefits but the sad news is that he's at the back of the line now. That means 12 weeks of waiting to finally get paid for the last semester. I am so grateful that Tim is such a great money saver because I don't know what we would be living of off.

Then I called and made an appointment for new glasses!!! I'm so excited. The appointment is tomorrow an I can't wait. Tim also made an appointment which is good because they're having a really good special on glasses where we're getting 2 pairs for only $100. That's what I wanted for my birthday, new glasses, and now I get two pairs it's awesome.

Writing the word awesome reminds me of this weekend when my sister Hannah said that the word "awesome" sounds lame coming from anyone but me. :) Now that's awesome.

This week we also have to go to the college and get the ISBN's for our new books for the semester. Last's semester's book were quite interesting and way better than the first semester so hopefully it'll continue in that fashion and our new books will be the best yet.

Semi-busy week coming up I guess. Hopefully laziness will not prevail tomorrow and I will take pictures of my hair bows.

I almost forgot about this weekend's other great memory! My mom got a new tattoo.

She loves it and I think it's awesome. LOL.