Family has never really extended past my parents and my half brother for me and to be completely honest we weren't that close knit at all. Right now I'm struggling to get along with my mother because as much as I don't want to admit it, I think we're a lot alike. My aunt has been sending me e-mails telling me what my mom was like when she was younger and it's given me a lot of insight.
It seems as if she gave up on herself and her life more than once. She gave up on her dreams when she got pregnant with my brother because she thought that her husband was going to be able to be her everything. I don't know anything about that relationship and I've never even met my brother's dad, I don't believe, but it has to be hard for her. Then they divorced and she met my dad. One of the greatest men in the entire world and one of the best role models that a girl could ask for.
Ok writing this while I'm menstruating is not going to work because I can't stop crying. I really want to get these emotions out and try to better understand them but since emotions aren't logical I just can't seem to deal with them.
But why I started to write this post is because I wrote to my cousin, Rachel. It's weird but I've heard her name mentioned once before in a hushed voice when my mom told me that I couldn't tell anyone that I knew that my Uncle Ernie had a child that no one else in the family knew about. Well, now that child is all grown up and she's on Facebook. I wrote to her and know I just have to wait to see what happens.
This whole "family" thing is really new to me. It's weird but I want it SO bad. I also feel really weak admitting that too. I don't know why but I do. I wish we could've had a closer knit family my whole life but I'm hoping that I can make up for lost time. I hope I have the courage to push through all of these emotions that I don't understand.
